Lydia Redfern 35 'Our new life became our new normal. And now when I look back at that time, I cherish it.' Lydia is a beautiful, strong, whirlwind of a lady. She is also one of the most positive people you could meet, despite the hardships she has been through. We met at my parents theatre company, and I always knew we were in for a fun time when she was there. Whenever I have reached out with my mental health issues, she is one of the first to offer friendship and empathy without judgement. I consider every interview I have done to be special in some way… but this truly is a story of overcoming and it has been an absolute honour to interview Lydia. I hope you find Lydia and her family as inspiring as I have. How would you describe yourself? Chatty, sensitive, caring, determined and easily overwhelmed. How would others describe you? I asked my mum this question and she said, loving, generous, happy, jokey, cheeky, kind and she also said a pain in the neck! Haha! My Dad said considerate and empathetic. Where is your happy place? I absolutely love going to Brighton. I grew up in a village in Sussex up until the age of 9. And I feel that Brighton is such a happy place. I also feel happy at our home in Two Dales. The road is busy where we live but I love the sound of the cars. I find it comforting to know that people are nearby. You recently got diagnosed with autism. What was your response? I wasn’t that surprised about the autism diagnosis, because of the long waiting lists, I had time to process it in my head. I felt relief and happiness because I can finally understand my brain. But I also felt a lot of sadness for the younger me, who at times has struggled so much internally with anxiety and feelings of inadequacy. We met in my parents' theatre company… do you still enjoy theatre? I do enjoy the theatre but I’ve discovered recently that re the autism, going to the theatre is quite a sensory overload for me. Thank goodness for the invention of loops haha. I don’t act myself any more. My Australian accent- wasted! I loved your Aussie accent! Thank you! Tell us about meeting Joe… We were at secondary school together, in the same science group! But I didn’t really know Joe at school. When we were 18 I went out with my friend who’s boyfriend at the time played football with Joe and it was a football night out. A random Sunday just before Christmas. I remembered Joe from school and we got chatting. I should also mention that on this night out Joe got fined for weeing in the street! I obviously knew then he was husband material! We exchanged numbers and then a couple of days later went on our first date to the cinema to watch Casino Royale! Before going in I didn't realise it was a James Bond film. The rest, as they say, is history. The wedding sounded fabulous! Joe loves Laurel and Hardy so much. He used to watch it with his Dad when he was younger. Any time he’s watching it, he’s crying with laughter. At our wedding we had a Laurel and Hardy theme- (my way of making it Joe’s day too, because let’s face it, it is all about the bride isn’t it!)? Joe had a bowler hat and our wedding cake was in the shape of a bowler hat! Is that how your eldest got his name? I remember on our honeymoon (I was 12 weeks pregnant when we got married) Joe suggested the name Stan for our baby if it was a boy. I was like no way! That’s an old man's name, you can’t have a baby Stan! But then I kept calling my bump Stan and when we found out it was a boy, he was Stanley! I love that name! And then you had little Reggie- their names just fit! Not long after, life took an extreme change. Are you happy to talk about what happened on your holiday in Greece? Yeah, of course… Can you take us through the day? We were on holiday in Greece, Corfu, with our good friends Gary and Steven. Gary and Steven went home that morning and we had an extra couple of days. Stan and Reggie were 2.5 years and four months old at the time. Because it was raining we decided to hire a car that day and we had a lovely day driving up the mountains. So when were the first signs that something wasn’t right? When we returned to the hotel, we were getting ready to go for dinner and suddenly Joe's arm went floppy and he couldn’t make a sound. What were your initial thoughts? I think I knew instantly he was having a stroke but at the same time didn’t believe it, strokes only happen to old people right?! What did you do? I immediately screamed for help as loud as I could and then other hotel guests and staff filled our room. Joe was taken off and I stayed and went down to the restaurant to get the boys some food. You must have been beside yourself… I was in disbelief. I thought, it will be okay, probably just a funny turn…But I think I knew deep down our lives as we knew it had changed forever. When was your first update on Joe? The hospital Joe had been taken to phoned the hotel and I was to go to him immediately. I had to make a very quick decision about leaving my very young children with strangers I had just met. Luckily Kelly and Pam, a mother and daughter, were on their holiday, just arriving that day. with Kelly’s young daughter Bella. Kelly said she would stay with the children and Pam came to the hospital with me. Wow, the kindness of strangers… To this day I am so thankful for what they did, I can never truly express that in words. I was so frightened and alone but they made it slightly better for us. Are you still in touch with them? Yes. They live near my auntie, so we have been able to meet up with them a couple of times- and I have them on Facebook, so we can keep in touch that way too. Holiday friends with a difference! Even with their kindness, it must have been terrifying… When I think of it all now, it feels like it happened to someone else, not us. What was it like in the hospital? It was really scary to begin with. No one spoke English and I had no idea what was going on. I was worried about our children because Joe got transferred to mainland Greece so I was there with him but the children were still in Corfu with Kelly and Pam. You must have felt so alone… The next day my Dad and Joe's Mum flew out to the children and then joined us at the hospital and I can’t tell you how lovely it was to be able to hug them. Did they diagnose Joe quickly? For the first day because of the language barrier and because I knew nothing about strokes, I was telling everyone that Joe had had a chemical stroke when it was in fact an ischemic stroke! What was the hospital like? The hospital was crazy, there was no such thing as health care assistants. So someone had to be with Joe at all times and I had to give him all of his medication and food. He was being tube fed at this point. There were stray dogs outside the hospital and birds flying in the windows! The funniest thing at the hospital was when they sent in a psychiatrist that didn’t speak a word of English! How did you function with so much uncertainty? We’d watch Fawlty Towers and The Royle Family together on my phone because I said we could only watch funny things. I think I knew then, that somehow we’d be okay. Even without speech Joe managed to joke that I was just like Denise! How long was Joe in hospital for? Joe was in hospital in Greece for 3 weeks, 3 weeks without our children because my dad and Joe's mum took them home. But my mum flew out to be with us in the hospital, because Joe needed someone to be with him at all times. What was it like coming back to England? I prepared Joe that he might be in Calow [a hospital in Derbyshire] for a few months while he was recovering…. I remember the first day I went to see him in Calow after we’d got back from Greece. I was like where is he?! And he’d gone in the shower by himself! So because of his determination he was home in a week! That’s astounding! How was life at home? When he first came home it was really difficult, I think because you sort of assume if someone comes home they are better, and he was so different from the Joe that had gone on holiday to Greece. He spent a lot of time sleeping in the beginning, so he and Reggie had lots of naps together, whilst Me and Stan had lots of play centre and cake dates. How was Joe handling it? The amazing thing about Joe was that he was so independent from the start. It wasn’t long before he was changing Reggie's nappy with one hand, Joe’s determination has always astounded me! How did you adapt to your new life? I know it sounds like a cliché, but gradually our new life became our new normal. And now when I look back at that time, I cherish it. We had so much time, just us four, whether we were having a pajama day and movie night or an afternoon in the park. We just really tried to make the best of what we had. You carried on… We had to really, because we had two little boys whose lives weren’t going to stop because their daddy had had a stroke. And they really did keep us going. It certainly wasn’t always easy but somehow we managed to get through. When we started raising money and awareness that really helped me. Because I felt I could make something good from what had happened. How did you communicate? About a year and a half later we both decided to learn sign language so that Joe had a way of communicating with the boys. Joe found it quite tricky because of his right hand that had been affected by the stroke. But I absolutely loved it and carried on learning to level 3. I’ve recently learned Makaton too. I use this with children I work with and family friends with communication difficulties. My eldest niece loved it when you taught some sign language at her primary school. I think it’s amazing that you are passing on such an important skill… I think the most important thing I’ve learned is that just because someone can’t speak, doesn’t mean that they don’t have anything to say. There are so many more ways to communicate than the spoken word. How did you feel having a third child after such a huge life shift? Being pregnant with Daphne I found incredibly difficult. Before becoming pregnant with her, I’d had an ectopic pregnancy. It was the most alone I’d ever felt. It was in January 2021 so Covid restrictions were very much in place. All the hospital appointments I had to go to alone, and it was such a difficult time in my life. You had already been through so much… After that, me and Stan started the couch to 5k. Again, me trying to make something good from a bad situation. But it was good, I absolutely loved running with Stan and chatting to him as we ran. In this time I got really fit and I was eating well. Then when I became pregnant with Daphne I felt so sick, I couldn’t exercise and I just felt so down the whole time… I then felt guilty, as I knew the pain of losing a baby. You must have been having so many emotions swimming around… I worried so much about how we would cope with another baby as we were living in a two bedroom house at the time. Joe was having speech therapy over video call at the time and when we’d settled on the name Daphne for her (because of my love of Some Like it Hot) that was Joe's goal word to practise. He practised and practised and he could say her name. That was a special moment. How about when Daphne was born? When she was born all those worries I had didn’t seem to matter anymore. She’s a very strong willed and defiant little girl who tests our patience daily. But we all love her so much. Stan and Reggie are the best big brothers. We managed to move to a bigger house in Two Dales and we absolutely love living there. You and your gorgeous family have been through so much, but you all radiate love, fun, and determination. How do you stay positive? I try to see the good in a situation, even in tough situations after the initial stress/panic ,I try to think why might this have happened and what good can come from it? After Joe's stroke, I felt so angry that it had happened to him and like we had been robbed of so much. Whilst that was true, especially because Joe's speech is still incredibly difficult for him, I also think we have gained a lot. How has writing helped you? I really enjoy writing about things I’m passionate about. Trying to convey them in a way that makes people really hear what I have to say. I enjoyed writing my blog about the marathon and Joe's recovery because I found it so therapeutic to write down how I was feeling and also hoping to raise awareness at the same time. I think I will find it helpful to write about my autism and possible ADHD diagnosis too because it helps me process it and understand it. What have you learned about life? We have learned to just really enjoy living in the present, in our little family bubble. And on a personal level I’ve learned so much about myself, just how determined I am. If you would have told 2016 Lydia that she would train for, and run, the London marathon whilst still breastfeeding a baby, I never would have believed you!! FILM: Some Like it Hot SONG: Vienna- Billy Joel STAGE SHOW: Sweeney Todd TV SERIES: Columbo BOOK: The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time- Mark Haddon WORD: Pavlova
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorEllie Fearn Categories
All
Archives |